Too Many Options

After months of painstaking research and serious scholarly inquiry, I have uncovered a comprehensive list of all of the available “Options” that we Christians of 21st Century liberal America can exercise during these most unsettling times. You’re welcome.

  1. Cupich Option – I’m ok, you’re ok
  2. Ligouri Option – You’re definitely not ok and neither am I; in fact we’re probably both going to hell
  3. Romanides Option – The Franks are definitely not ok
  4. Bandera Option – Poles and Russians are definitely not ok; Ukrainians, however, are
  5. Balthasar Option – In the end, we’ll all be ok
  6. Francis Option – Teen joblessness and lonely octogenarians are not ok…neither is global warming
  7. Kennedy Option – However I choose to read the Constitution is ok…and the law of the land
  8. Ignatian Option – Red wine and sumptuous meals are A-Ok
  9. Old-Calendar Option – Everything is ok as long as today is June 24
  10. Bartholomew Option – Recycling is ok, and maybe abortion, too
  11. Lefebvre Option – The liturgical books of 1962 are ok; the Novus Ordo Missae is not
  12. Cekada Option – Neither of those things are ok, but believing the papal see is vacant is
  13. Lewis Option – Pedestrian theology and hard-on-the-nose allegorical kids books are ok
  14. Kierkegaard Option – I wish I were ok…
  15. Marion Option – Ok-ness w/o Being
  16. Schmitt Option – Friends are ok, enemies are not
  17. Straussian Option – Great thinkers say one thing is ok, but really they mean it isn’t ok, unless they do
  18. Schmemann Option – Interpreting the liturgy mystically is not ok
  19. Garrigou-Lagrange Option – To understand the concept of “ok” we must first turn to Cajetan’s authoritative…
  20. Alfeyev Option – Uniates are not ok; ecumenism is ok, unless I am talking to the Russian press
  21. The Remnant Option – Most things in the Catholic Church are not ok, and we’re going to tell you over and over…
  22. Kallistos Option – Birth control is not ok, then again maybe it is sort of ok. Never mind, now it’s ok
  23. Palamas Option – Seeing God’s uncreated energies is perfectly ok
  24. Thomist Option – No it isn’t
  25. Benedict Option – To be determined